Why I Hate Having Crushes and Falling In Love (Reality)

If I had to be honest, I'm really quite unfortunate when it comes to a boy and crush involved in the same setting together. Out of all the emotions and feelings in the world, love is something I hate the most. While others would find romance to be so wonderful, it just gave me negative feelings over time; quite honestly enough, it makes me feel so ashamed, especially upon considering the fact that whenever I try to tell dad or someone else about it, I get teased so much. In any rate, matters also don't help the fact that I get easily discouraged from the way people unintentionally ignore me or don't seem approachable enough to want to talk to me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't take much for me to be interested in someone, despite the fact that it becomes an on or off thing every now and then. Since at home, my folks are really dismissive and exhibit a negative atmosphere about them, I feel really happy and appreciative when others are nice and considerate towards me. Unlike other girls, I tend to not judge by appearance a lot most of the time anyways, even if someone isn't really all that good looking.

After expressing all these feelings out on paper or in writing, however, my heart still doesn't become satiated. It actually aches inside and makes me want to just yearn in longing and basically keep myself up at night. I could write a thousand poems at this point and you might be wondering why I feel this way. Well, it's because of the uncomfortable results I've experienced and on top of my low self esteem I possess, I always believe that so and so will never love me, which proves to be really quite upsetting to the point where I want to cry yet painfully try to hold it in. Then again, I bet nobody would want to hear me moan and b***h about never being together with that special person. I know dad in particular would be particularly annoyed by it.

I just... don't know how to deal with it, especially upon considering the fact that I view it as a burden and something that ties me down to the point where my emotional state eventually deteriorates. It might have been frustratingly tragic but I don't have anybody else to talk to in which I could openly express personal information towards without worrying about being annoying them with something like, "There's a time and place for everything!"Of course, there's always the school counsellor but I just overthink certain things and outcomes. Either way, upon rejection after rejection on account of doing so just to calm my painful, aching heart and the fact that it seems like a bad thing I'm so obsessed, I start avoiding people in general.

While I had always liked boys, it also occured to me that since I'm so pathetic, I could also fall in love with a girl as well. Sure enough, I did but I only realized that until after she transferred out and even then, I'm still not sure about my fickle feelings. I'm really that desperate to the point where I try to hide it... and the best outlet for me is to roleplay with others because my love interests for a certain fandom will always be guaranteed to eventually fall for my character. Even if my character who feels like a part of me and just somebody I really care about isn't the same person, I still feel better and whenever I view those messages on my phone, I'm actually able to sleep rather well because the memory and words actually comfort me.

Though it might be kind of silly, I feel so happy for my character even if it isn't me. As far as I'm concerned, nothing would ever go wrong when I roleplay but in real life, I can't exactly say the same. Either way, I'm so discouraged to talk to anyone I like and worrying about screwing everything up, my mentality drops to a whole another low. When this happens, it becomes difficult to remain safe inside of myself. I find it so shameful now, I don't want to talk about my feelings with anyone... or at least, not verbally. Then again, after I become attached to the person and the love sort of fades, I have this sudden loss inside my chest and get ironically upset about it.

From time to time, I will convince myself that as long as I have writing, I don't need anything else... especially when most people in general are just considered troublesome and seemingly not worth the trouble. If I think too long and hard about the fact that I will most likely never find someone who would love me back in life, I actually start crying and hiding myself away from the whole entire world. Then again, this depression never really lasts for long because there's bound to be happier things happening. At the end of the day, on the other hand, I will feel depressed again.

It's a seemingly endless cycle yet because I recognize that I'm emotionally weak, I try my hardest to act independent. Above all else, though, I'm aware that I can't please everybody, despite how much I try to since it would affect me personally. Whenever I 'fall' in love, I would always do my hardest to protect my emotions. Either way, it's not all about crushes. People itself are troublesome - they get fickle, selfish, sensitive, inconsiderate and easily upset. At times, I don't even understand them but when I try to, I look at things in other viewpoints. I know now that God and Jesus talks to me so everything we do has a reason; in other words, it isn't because they're absolutely 'stupid' but because they're just ignorant and not know.

If one actually reaches out to others and attempt to become better throughout their actions, then these things will eventually come to light. Upon trying to understand the mixed signals that others have, you would also have to open up. Who knows? People might actually understand after all. It's important to not put words into other people's mouth and try to listen, despite how hard it can be.