Ikue Centric Fic (Angst?)

Ikue didn't care about herself anymore. If her Ta-kun would've ordered it, then she would have simply just jumped off of a cliff and committed suicide. From the very start, she didn't matter any more. All she had left was to stay by Takasugi's side as repentance for not being able to save him... in that horrible war which she could have done nothing but heal, heal, heal. She couldn't save all his friends.

No matter what, though, Ikue wanted to make up for her failure because it meant so much to her at the time. That's why she grew up because without emotions, the mermaid thought that it would have been just easier for Takasugi to accept her... and not as the weak individual who would simply tie him down; even so, Ikue hated him.

To her, he was always so selfish and treated her like trash. It didn't feel safe being around him with that overly meek and kind attitude but at the same time, she couldn't. Ikue had been traumatized by Eiha's death to the point where she didn't have anything else left; in fact, she openly spoke about being Gintoki or Takasugi's wife in the future as a child upon being asked what her dream was by Shoyou-sensei.

Ikue had been really sad from having seen her mother-like figure, Eiha, dying and turning into sea foam in front of her very own eyes to the point where it actually made her attempt to drown herself... not like that helped. No matter how much she tried, Ikue was eventually found by a certain teacher and his students.

Since Mer-people Amanto weren't good walkers and probably wouldn't be able to survive out on their own, she was... taken in. Of course, mermaids were actually rather beautiful people, so it went without saying that other boys would find her cute or pretty; only, Ikue proved indecisive when it came to both Gintoki and Takasugi. While Gintoki was easier to talk to, Takasugi had been more... cool, for lack of a better word.

Either way, her innocence soon diminished when she became a part of the Kiheitai.

Maybe it was just her trying too hard but she became more uncouth, irritable and 'cruel'-hearted; either way, Ikue still only took orders from Takasugi... because she was the only one left for him, when Gintoki, Katsura and the other Jouishishi members had left but then again, she had no confidence of her feelings being reciprocated whatsoever

As far as Ikue was concerned, the only thing she had got going for her was her looks; in that case, her personality had been quite messed up but then again, the only reason she got a job in the first place was because Hedoro himself seemed to be really understanding and patient of her.

In any rate, Matako was a far better choice. While she genuinely showed that she liked him, Ikue couldn't have done anything at all because there's just no way he would be interested in more than just... the physical stuff; besides, she had more to think about than just Ta-kun. Upon leaving Kabukicho, she had actually left behind those important to her again; on the other hand, not thinking about herself became easier. To save herself much trouble and pain, she would forcibly deal with it through silence.

Why I Hate Having Crushes and Falling In Love (Reality)

If I had to be honest, I'm really quite unfortunate when it comes to a boy and crush involved in the same setting together. Out of all the emotions and feelings in the world, love is something I hate the most. While others would find romance to be so wonderful, it just gave me negative feelings over time; quite honestly enough, it makes me feel so ashamed, especially upon considering the fact that whenever I try to tell dad or someone else about it, I get teased so much. In any rate, matters also don't help the fact that I get easily discouraged from the way people unintentionally ignore me or don't seem approachable enough to want to talk to me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't take much for me to be interested in someone, despite the fact that it becomes an on or off thing every now and then. Since at home, my folks are really dismissive and exhibit a negative atmosphere about them, I feel really happy and appreciative when others are nice and considerate towards me. Unlike other girls, I tend to not judge by appearance a lot most of the time anyways, even if someone isn't really all that good looking.

After expressing all these feelings out on paper or in writing, however, my heart still doesn't become satiated. It actually aches inside and makes me want to just yearn in longing and basically keep myself up at night. I could write a thousand poems at this point and you might be wondering why I feel this way. Well, it's because of the uncomfortable results I've experienced and on top of my low self esteem I possess, I always believe that so and so will never love me, which proves to be really quite upsetting to the point where I want to cry yet painfully try to hold it in. Then again, I bet nobody would want to hear me moan and b***h about never being together with that special person. I know dad in particular would be particularly annoyed by it.

I just... don't know how to deal with it, especially upon considering the fact that I view it as a burden and something that ties me down to the point where my emotional state eventually deteriorates. It might have been frustratingly tragic but I don't have anybody else to talk to in which I could openly express personal information towards without worrying about being annoying them with something like, "There's a time and place for everything!"Of course, there's always the school counsellor but I just overthink certain things and outcomes. Either way, upon rejection after rejection on account of doing so just to calm my painful, aching heart and the fact that it seems like a bad thing I'm so obsessed, I start avoiding people in general.

While I had always liked boys, it also occured to me that since I'm so pathetic, I could also fall in love with a girl as well. Sure enough, I did but I only realized that until after she transferred out and even then, I'm still not sure about my fickle feelings. I'm really that desperate to the point where I try to hide it... and the best outlet for me is to roleplay with others because my love interests for a certain fandom will always be guaranteed to eventually fall for my character. Even if my character who feels like a part of me and just somebody I really care about isn't the same person, I still feel better and whenever I view those messages on my phone, I'm actually able to sleep rather well because the memory and words actually comfort me.

Though it might be kind of silly, I feel so happy for my character even if it isn't me. As far as I'm concerned, nothing would ever go wrong when I roleplay but in real life, I can't exactly say the same. Either way, I'm so discouraged to talk to anyone I like and worrying about screwing everything up, my mentality drops to a whole another low. When this happens, it becomes difficult to remain safe inside of myself. I find it so shameful now, I don't want to talk about my feelings with anyone... or at least, not verbally. Then again, after I become attached to the person and the love sort of fades, I have this sudden loss inside my chest and get ironically upset about it.

From time to time, I will convince myself that as long as I have writing, I don't need anything else... especially when most people in general are just considered troublesome and seemingly not worth the trouble. If I think too long and hard about the fact that I will most likely never find someone who would love me back in life, I actually start crying and hiding myself away from the whole entire world. Then again, this depression never really lasts for long because there's bound to be happier things happening. At the end of the day, on the other hand, I will feel depressed again.

It's a seemingly endless cycle yet because I recognize that I'm emotionally weak, I try my hardest to act independent. Above all else, though, I'm aware that I can't please everybody, despite how much I try to since it would affect me personally. Whenever I 'fall' in love, I would always do my hardest to protect my emotions. Either way, it's not all about crushes. People itself are troublesome - they get fickle, selfish, sensitive, inconsiderate and easily upset. At times, I don't even understand them but when I try to, I look at things in other viewpoints. I know now that God and Jesus talks to me so everything we do has a reason; in other words, it isn't because they're absolutely 'stupid' but because they're just ignorant and not know.

If one actually reaches out to others and attempt to become better throughout their actions, then these things will eventually come to light. Upon trying to understand the mixed signals that others have, you would also have to open up. Who knows? People might actually understand after all. It's important to not put words into other people's mouth and try to listen, despite how hard it can be.

-insert interesting topic here- (Written For Older Sister's Birthday)

As I got to know you more, I had never really liked you. It wasn't just that you tended to act all mature while being insistent with your arguments or scolding which used to always annoy me by the way, but the fact that you were always better than me... whether it be in academics, strength, video games or verbal arguments. Compared to you, you had higher expectations from all your peers while being praised so much but I on the other hand, often exhibited a behavior that annoyed others around me and caused problems for them, though I knew they didn't say it out loud. Quite honestly enough, I eventually had the distinct impression that mom herself was comparing you to me when you continue coming home one day with outstanding marks. While you had As and Bs, however, I needed to try hard just to get Cs, Bs and Ds.

Unlike you, I wasn't good with actual talking; in fact, I preferred organizing my thoughts and words out onto paper because otherwise, I would usually tend to clam up or stammer over my words. As far as I had been concerned, you happened to have no weaknesses at all. Considering how I came to be looked down upon as 'stupid' or 'someone with a disability', I became bitter about the very fact I had been the unfortunate child with autism. More than anything else, I wanted to be the older sibling. Maybe then, things would have turned out differently and maybe then I wouldn't have struggled so much.

With my immature logic at the time, I actually thought I might be smarter, if only I had taken your place. Though I never liked to admit it, you were always my goal - surpassing you in at least something was a feat I gradually dedicated myself into doing before I found writing. The moment I discovered how much I loved it, especially after my Grade 4 or 5 teacher praised me, I was overcome with such pride and joy. Maybe if I kept continuing on with writing, then I might have that chance to feel less inferior to you!

That, however, was a long process, especially upon being constantly discouraged day after day and year after year by a condescending speech therapist who expected too much from me and grades that were never quite good enough. Even with my mom being overjoyed at times, I honestly wasn't satisfied. I wanted something to brag about! I wanted the distance between us to gradually loom closer, so I wouldn't feel so alone. As the younger sister, I used to always chase after your back. You were really that strong, smart and independent. I wanted to be like that as well, since my own position as a stubborn, emotional crybaby though now it became a crybaby whenever I'm upset, stressed or frustrated for a long period of time proved to be too much of an inconvenience for me.

All I could say is... how could you do it? Though I try and try, I seem to become much more of a burden, as I always do stuff that causes worrisome problems for other people SOCIAL WORKERS AND ADDITIONAL HELP RESULTING FROM IT, even if I try to stay out of trouble as much as possible. Since I was disillusioned by your independent nature, I attempted to hold back all my feelings and personal problems while only using writing as an outlet for quite some time. Sure enough, that fired back on me and up until now, I didn't realize that talking to others could have been the number one solution. I always thought you never had many problems, which made me ultimately become determined in suffering alone.

Though I talk to you, I used to struggle with it quite a bit. Then again, I initially relied on my own writing and the computer to ease off my loneliness, since I had never been good with speech in the first place. As long as I had that, I was honestly fine but as I grew older and matured from each mistake, I realized that I couldn't be writing all the time, even if I had ideas to furiously type down.

Either way, it wasn't that I really hated you. Yes, you could blame these emotions of mine or the fact that I inherited our dad's kind and soft hearted nature, but I genuinely felt my heart tighten in an emotionally painful ache while I watched you being punished by mom from something you didn't deserve. Whenever I try to come to your defense or comfort you, though, I noticed that you would always just push me away so I eventually gave up and even remained a little apathetic when you would come home with tears in your eyes one day.

I guess it was because I mostly always ignored my own problems and that after so many burdens became carried on my back, I'm not as nice and considerate as our own dad was who honestly doesn't have any mean bone in his body when it comes to his family for the most part, to the point where I just find it awfully pathetic for more times than I count, to be honest. Only, don't tell dad I said that, ok? It would be our dirty little secret for now, alright?! >o>

In any rate, I remember dramatically crying at the sidelines when you had that car accident, which only just dislocated your shoulder. While I had been out skipping quickly over to grandma and grandpa's place, you continually called out for me to stop, though I didn't actually expect you to suddenly run across the street without watching out for cars not like I can talk since there are times where I don't think. At that time, I was overcome with so much guilt, I actually admitted that it had been my fault for once. Even if it was just your shoulder, I had been so worried to the point where I didn't know what to do; instead, I just hurried my ass over to the hospital as quickly as I possibly can in whatever car I drove.

As of now, however, it is really by natural default that I act annoyed by your goofy yet embarassing antics. Sometimes, you were even so ridiculous, I practically acted like the tsundere in the family if you don't know what that is, then just search it up, especially since I'm gradually becoming tired of this piece of writing and explaining things. Despite this, there are times where you will help out with my homework though you didn't have to, giving me essential tools alongside parts of your clothes because I really don't even want to bother buying my own /pajama and gym strip freak here and even entertained me with topics of discussion I randomly come up with whenever I don't have easy access to the internet as in taking a longer time than necessary to actually do it in the literal sense . Though I really find it difficult to not become the straight man or woman around you, just know that I really... um, appreciate you, so yeah!

I regret often taking the fact that you are my older sister for granted almost as much as I regretted not exercising as much as you did whenever we have our living room brawls, OTL /oh the lateness but from now on, I will be genuinely wishing you all the happiness in the world and at least try to own up to my position as the older sister now even though Chloe happens to annoy the heck out of me. I just figured it out that it's not really kids I hate, 'cause some make me have a cuteness overload inside my heart, but just Chloe. No, let me rephrase that. I strongly dislike her and only became mean because of stress from school and not talking to anyone about my own personal problems. There are just times where they appear to be so annoying even when they're not doing anything in particular towards you on that day; in other words, add in the pent up frustration, forced acts of politeness and letting the urge to call someone a bitch waste away throughout your day and you get one hell of a nasty sister. Unfortunately enough, I do have a  rather mean streak, accompanied by a rather pathetic amount of bitterness and grudge holding shenanigans.

... /looking back and reading this after editing it ...Uggggggh... Why did I even write this? I bet you're grinning like an idiot right now. I-I'm telling you to stop that! >A< You shouldn't read this more than once, OK? If you do, I'll become embarrassed! Then again, my English teacher did reccommend I give you this, instead of that story, because it's apparently more meaningful or something. Anyways, this corny Kong-ster is hereby OUT! /scurrying off ... /humiliated

The Real Confessions and Feelings of Vivian Kong (TO BE UPDATED)

WARNING TO GRAMMAR NAZIS: WRITTEN MOSTLY FOR PLEASURE SO NOT COMPLETELY FORMAL. IN OTHER WORDS, CASUAL.

GENDER:
Female

BIRTHDAY:
April 20th, 1997 not like anybody cares FFFFF

BIOGRAPHY:
I was born and raised in Vancouver, British Columbia think Canada. My parents were Asian immigrants Chinese and ever since I could remember, I had this learning defect I identified as autism more in Personality section. Either way, I wasn't like other kids but the fact they always treated me differently because I'm austistic made me... well, feel like I'm below everybody else.

Though I supposedly have it good since others treat me nicely and specially as far as others grown ups who know about me are concerned, I also hated it and this sort of distanced me from other people because of the bitterness I had that they couldn't understand me. This eventually led me to rely on things like TV though not anymore, computers and cellphones to ease off my loneliness. To be honest, I was genuinely fine with it too. Not having friends really didn't bother me.

Throughout my childhood, I had lots of practice with my English at a mostly bad/unrelaxing speech therapist place but I seemed to fall flat in other things like P.E, Science, Social Studies and Math. The only thing I happened to be good at is writing and even then, I had lots of room for potential - I wasn't a genius or anything that seemed to be my older sister, though. In any rate, I was quite spoiled by my dad while disciplined by my mom and even upon growing up, I admit that I had been a really annoying child.

Truthfully, I wish I hadn't been raised this way especially by dad but my mom in particular really influenced me because if there are things she's not pleased about that involves me, you can bet that I will try to change most of it except for my stomach fat. THAT, I cannot change cause FOOD. Yes, she's really quite the scary and intimidating individual upon being annoyed but that yelling though. No wonder I used to throw temper tantrums yet on the hand, mom is perhaps far more generous than most mothers though she calls me fat along with the other family members especially during social gatherings - THIS IS WHY I GET EASILY OFFENDED AND RUDE TOWARDS THEM. From there, I meant to say that she is willing to buy me things most of the time but as of recently, she would sometimes refuse people's offer of food towards me because she's so concerned about my fatness.

I have to look as well as act in a certain way that is socially acceptable even if I didn't want to. That's why I stopped acting like myself. In any rate, my earlier years involved withholding back my emotions and not being a burden for long periods of time that I finally snapped during elementary school. I started talking back to authority figures and speaking my mind which made me mentally and emotionally unstable, especially since I didn't always have access to my writing. In Grade 7, I got into a lot of trouble with someone who we'll just call Mrs.R.

Then highschool came... and I had problems along the way but I liked to think that it's better now.

PERSONALITY: 
I'm actually rather... complicated, to say the least. Out at school, I could act overly stiff and polite while awfully rigid in social situations but quite honestly enough, I'm more eloquent over messages and written work. When talking to others, I simply fall flat in spoken grammar at times but as long as it's in words with paper or typed out on the keyboard, I'm fine. While talking to others comfortably on the internet, I tend to be less 'wordy' and have a sense of humor though it could be occasionally inappropriate at times which I tend keep to myself. UPDATE: After the resolutions I made in my heart with Jesus, though, I started thinking more positively, being more honest and using 'I feel' statements.

Either way, I'm easily amused and will make entertaining remarks about things being said or done UPDATE: Unless I think it's not important. Quite honestly enough, though, I can talk a whole lot if given the chance to but sometimes, I would hesitate and think "NEVER MIND"; otherwise, I can be quite friendly and someone who could be considered way mature beyond her years. For example, I know better than most, will stay out of trouble and be overall pleasant though I do prove to be disorganized to the point where you may see me hurrying off into the distance throughout the school hallways from time to time.

Along with being a worry wart, I'm also quite troubled. As a child of autism, I'm generally looked down upon as being inferior to others since I was held back a year in kindergarden. Quite honestly enough, I hate talking about it and being treated differently from others just because I apparently learned slower than them and having problems memorizing longer things under a short period of time. From the very start, this alienation caused me to initially rely less on others and more on things behind screens. UPDATE: In any rate, I really thought negatively about other people in general since they could be overall-y difficult; they are either selfish, stubborn, easily upset, put words in my mouth or are just someone I really don't want to hurt no matter what.

Over time, failure after failure made me force myself to grow up and come to an understanding of what to do and what not to do. Upon being pressured by my mom to act normal in public from a young age, I try to remain quiet and inhibited but while that worked during Grade 8, my frustrations soon grew until I could no longer take it anymore. From being influenced by my own emotions, I find it hard not to complain or talk to myself. As it makes me the reason of concern, it feels like trouble for other people so I try not to outwardly show my tears or try to release it in some sort of outlet at that moment. It's only later that I sort of break down in situations where I feel safe.

I also have low self esteem with my appearance in general. Unlike with others who say I'm pretty which I don't always trust to be sincere, I always seem to find faults within myself and get discouraged by it to the point where I either give up on changing or trying to change myself by doing things like cutting my hair. Every time I do physical activity, I get self conscious and check my appearance UPDATE: Though that is starting to stop. Additionally enough, I am a perfectionist... for example, every word has to look neat and as close to being straight as possible or I would most likely want to scream out in frustration, though I don't. I guess to make up for not being beautiful, I want to make other things beautiful around me, but then again, that only applies to writing on paper. Plus, I'm a stickler for details in my writing. As far as emotions are concerned, I experienced such burden from them that I'd rather not feel them, less it might make me do things I might regret or would just make me look weak which leads to problems for my family in general. That's why I hide things from them UPDATE: but stopped doing it.

If I don't think I'm wrong in an argument, I can be pretty much stubborn and shoot back with reasons to justify how I feel UPDATE: just because I think others don't understand. Mostly everything I do has reasons, on the other hand. Under the right motivation skills, I exhibit a hardworking nature and am obsessive in gaining free time, to the point where I will start working on homework during a lesson. I'm a sucker for upholding promises and being fair, to the point where I could be easily guilt-tripped into doing things. Speaking of 'sucker', I'm moved by cute and sad things actually enjoy writing both, Most of the time, I take others into consideration and absolutely go against creating unneeded conflict or hurting the feelings of others, since confrontations are viewed to be troublesome and I simply don't enjoy hurting those I care about.

Speaking of troublesome, I would wear pajamas all day every day if I had a choice; in other words, lazy. Clothes, dresses, nail polish and all that feminine stuff isn't something I either want to bother with or like, which is why mom picks out my clothes. I have more of a preference towards the cold and absolutely abhor the heat, most likely due to the fact I've gotten used to being physically numb from being outside all the time throughout elementary school due to irritable authoritative figures who nag at us to do so during the rest of reccess and lunch GOT INTO TROUBLE ONCE BY CALLING ONE OF THEM A B***H UPDATE: /sobs Me and my big mouth. Though one could call me a tomboy, I'm just more of a food and cold drinks person.

UPDATE: Thanks to talking with God/Jesus and other people, I had gotten over most of my insecurities. If I talk to others and actually try to resolve things, I can become a better person. It made me understand people more and since I know that there's bias in everything, I tend to not think that my judgement is a hundred percent correct. It's essentially because I'm not perfect, on the other hand, that I try to feel less pressured and do things at my own pace little by little. There are many things I've learned and personally grew from but on the other had, it now became easier to see things from other people's POV.

With all things being considered, though, I'm willing to participate and act agreeable, just because it makes things easier for me. One can find that I'm actually pretty determined in setting my mind onto things, should it benefit me. For example, since coffee is capable of making me awake for long periods of time, I will tolerate the heat of it during the morning. I'm quite understanding as they come and try not to assume anything, despite failing sometimes. Should people have reasons behind their actions, I would instantly go "OHHHHH" and act pretty guilty about thinking they did something because of so and so. To put a long story short, I'm really laidback and tolerant as long as I can later express how I feel by either talking or writing it down. UPDATE: If people allow me to write things down immediately so I can come back to it later, then great! Quite honestly enough, I am also getting more efficient and starting to worry less into the future, though I can't stop my occasional apologetic-ness.

I hate the mere idea of being ordinary, since it has something to do with individuality. Due to writing stories with interesting characters in them over time, I get conscious about how I act; in other words, I really don't want to be the very definition of a normal person and someone people could just dismiss as 'nobody special'. It's why I eventually started developing a 'zombie' persona, where I am this girl at school who would always say ZOOOOMBIES while others speak it which isn't completely phony since I do love zombies. To be rather honest, though, I can't do a lot of things that make me overly quirky or funny - it's just not natural of me. UPDATE: To add on, I'm a naturally curious person by default so if you say something interesting, then don't expect me to dismiss right away. xD I just do things that feel natural.

Considering the inevitability of death in life and how desperately I wanted to make my  own dreams come true UDPATE: One of the reasons in which I wanted to become an author was because I wanted fans and people interested in me since I felt so alone, I naturally want to do things that would leave a part of me behind, despite not having the ability to do so. I think it all ties down to not having the desire to be forgotten which makes an uncertain and depressed feeling to hover over me at times. If I had to be honest, I mostly think that nobody else understands me. Then again, I'm simple enough to usually not require company or attention to feel good though it could be nice if I don't have anything to do or find myself in a state of calm at that present moment.

I try to be organized and efficient so I could do things I'd rather be doing but with schoolwork, I didn't feel dedicated to it as most people do. With tests and quizzes, I cram the day before it happens or at the last minute and end up with a decent mark. In most occasions, finishing is everything to me, to the point where I might give up on important things like sleeping. Quite honestly enough, this honestly makes me testy and impatient with the other peeps at home, especially upon having so many things I want done. I can really say that I am blunt, rude and uninhibited unless there is 'foreign' company around and by foreign, I mean those that aren't family. If I continue not acting like my true self, it feels like I will literally become insane; in other words, believe it or not, I can be mean... but only around other people who annoy me and whom I am also comfortable in expressing my opinion towards, depending on how much I hate them. If it's annoyance, then I will tolerate them but if it's anger, you would start noticing my sudden mood change. UPDATE: Then again, if it someone's I care about and I realize what I did, I would usually want to apologize and make things better.

I'm a really emotional person if I get annoyed, frustrated, upset or angered. When this happens, I would usually run off to cry alone, unless I feel safe around people who are comfortable and understanding enough to not hold anything against me. I also have grown to think that crying is something to be ashamed about and will try really hard in not doing.

Overall, I have a passion with writing and hate to be interrupted while I'm really getting into it... though most of the time, I'm on my computer because I find typing to be more easier and I don't need to worry about making more mistakes. Quite honestly enough, I prioritize things I have to do rather than my physical wellbeing, unless I'm actually suffering. I get really into roleplaying, music and other entertaining stuff to pass the time that I would sometimes breathe out heavily in excitement or just laugh as silently as possible. To be honest, I could be detached from the world by getting jokes and humorous situatuons into my head, I admit that! I get really deep into thought at times, causing me to look really strange to some people from time to time which my mother always scolds me about. I'm quite an imaginative and creative person when the moment strikes me, so I enjoy getting ideas down and when I mean get them down, I mean as soon as possible. Whenever I'd rather not do things and finish up as soon as possible, I will be all action and thinking later because hey, effiency is important! It makes things more convenient.

LIKES:
Closure, food, writing, getting things done, people who relate, talking while not under pressure, cold weather/food/drinks, being able to talk about things that interest me, cute things, zombies, the idea of romance not cheesy, accomplishing impressive feats, sad/angsty/powerful/emotional writing, praise, encouragement, most affectionate things, becoming independent, some things-that-sound-good (Emilie Autumn, Britt Nicole), vocaloid-utau/(rock, screamo [Evanescence, Alesana not all, Nemsea, The Birthday Massacre] music, VocaCircus on youtube, manga, anime, watching video game walkthroughs for storyline, things that look visually appealing, 'shameful' things I'd rather not talk about, taking walks when it's not hot, not relying on others, having hard work erased/deleted, pajamas and MORE I MIGHT ADD

DISLIKES: 
Confrontations, nail polish, most of the social workers and counsellors I meet cause I have the feeling they associate me with autism, talking about bad news, the heat, seeming selfish/bad, hurting feelings of those I care about, being treated differently, being associated with autism, most of the heroines in books/novels, emotions, picking out/choosing clothes, not showing appreciation, interruptions while I'm writing or working, not living up to expectations, being judged, the inconsideration of family members/relatives, being hungry, holding back emotions, not being understood, being interrogated, acting harshly, those who can't take a hint, immodesty, rude/uncalled for behavior, when others talk bad stuff about me from behind my back, having to deal with annoying people, guilty conscience, own appearance, messy/uneven writing, people who don't listen to my side of the story, not being able to rant, limits, due dates, impatience, doing troublesome things that take a lot of steps in doing and MORE I MIGHT ADD

TRIVIA/LINKS:
Though I'm Chinese/Mandarin, I learned more of English and less of those languages back in Chinese school which I hardly remember a lot about.

UPDATE/IMPORANT FOR OTHER TEACHERS TO KNOW: I'm a visual/kinesthetic learner. I think I learn best if I write things down and not by getting rushed or pressed for time.

I have two sisters. One who is six years old and another who is now 18 as of today. Read more about it here. UPDATE: Speaking of family, I'm becoming more fond and considerate of them. You know, everybody has reasons for doing things that annoy you so don't try to think too harshly of it?

I actually started becoming determined into being the obedient, less of a trouble maker and slightly strange girl during the summer before Grade 8. Unfortunately, though, doing so for all four years proved difficult. Since I also wanted to start afresh, I sort of lied about having lost my memories dramatic Vivi is dramatic but I usually don't say I remember when asked about elementary school around other peeps because I don't want to talk about it, seeing as though it brings back unpleasant memories for me.

I don't like homework. In fact, I was unmotivated to do any of it throughout highschool; instead, I wanted to write whatever I wanted to write all the time but that stopped sometime nearing the end of 9th grade.My obsession with being free, in the mean time, has gotten worse UPDATE: (Not anymore), though I did learn to cope with it this year even if it's not a healthy solution.

My family and I don't talk.. or at least not about regular things normal families talk about. Even when it's dinner or lunch time, we sort of go off to do our own thing instead of sitting around at a table. UPDATE: (But then it stopped.)

Unless I have a clear and specific recipe in front of me, I probably wouldn't know how to cook to save my life. It also doesn't help that upstairs in our house, there's a limited amount of food while downstairs has more of it in supply; then again, I usually don't go down there for irrational reasons but it's most likely because it would seem like I'm freeloading at the house and stealing things.

I used to get upset over small things but since dad would tease me about it so often afterwards, I started hating emotions, as it always causes worry and embarrassment. If I had a choice, then I would gladly have given up my feelings, my heart and my stomach, as long as it meant I could still keep writing without it... but then again, without emotions, I wouldn't be interested in writing in the first place but in that case then, the only thing I'll gladly accept is an interest with writing. Maybe not personal things but about fictional stuff. UPDATE: Ah, I think I learned to deal with this problem.

Mom seems to always nag at me and though I don't know too much Chinese, I can tell that she's most often implying that I'm becoming fat or gaining weight.

I don't know how to communicate very well with my Mandarin grandparents because I'm still bad at pronouncing these things, so I would usually pause before speaking, since I would have forgotten how to say so and so. That's why the things I say are rather limited; only, it doesn't help that they don't seem to get the hint I'm uncomfortable in talking to them sometimes. Most of the time, it seems as though I'm put on the spot and be quickly expected to say something, with my slight anxiety growing even worse by the second when they keep asking me things or waiting patiently for me to answer back.

I tend to have a bad impression of social workers, counsellors or additional teachers in a classroom if things aren't explained about them. There are times where I would grow paranoid and think that it's because of my disability ever since elementary school and it's stuck ever since. The same thing also goes to special programs except for the lunch one and the school board government 'providing' me stuff. It makes me feel like I'm the only one, alongside other kids with special needs.

I have this habit of thinking it's a burden whenever I have a personal problem and don't go off to counsellors in order to talk about it or even hesitate to talk at first.

If I get interrogated by people who know I have autism, I start to assume things, become paranoid and think less of them.

I really don't enjoy when other teachers or adults talk to my mom about me, unless it's with the English teacher. In that case, I would remain at ease. For some reason or another, I never have trouble getting along with the English teachers in highschool because they always seem interested in whatever I have to be say, I think.

Most of the time, I feel like my parents don't appreciate me. Considering how inconsiderate, insensitive and uncalled for they can get torward me, I eventually started viewing myself as less insignificant, meaning that I would usually think more about others and less about myself in regard to feelings. That's why I tend to do better when being encouraged with praise every now and then. In any rate, as I tend to avoid conflict, I just allow myself to be pushed around and not stand up for myself. Over time, the bitterness and a lack of expression about what I really feel or want to say would pile up and destroy me from the inside. I just... don't want to cause trouble, especially if it could have the potential to escalate further and reach the ears of my mother, who always make me feel guilty and horrible by the end of it all.

I know it's rather disheartening but I really believe that I don't matter 'as much' and since everybody in my family overreacts and wouldn't get the hint I want to be left alone at one point especially to feel better and calm myself down, I stopped relying on them for emotional support.

Since I have lots of things to say and want to say them, I will talk really fast and get so distressed that there are things I forget to mention. To be quite honest, my mind sort of races in every direction and it proves really overwhelming when others talk over or interrupt me. This is how I always feel when I seem to get interrogated by my parents or authority figures. As I don't transition well after forgetting something, I would clam up and act paranoid about possibly seeming strange and not in a good way. It also doesn't help that my mother never understands and I find it difficult to talk to her. Whenever I accomplish something at school, I immediately think about showing it to her, only to be discouraged in the end because she now dismisses everything I do like it's no big deal.

Unlike others, I don't get upset for long periods of time and it isn't that hard to resolve things with me, if I get the feeling that everybody else understands or sympathize with the things I say; in that case, I would feel better because even if I have rational reasons for doing things, I always get the feeling I'm interrogated by my family members or arguing with them.

Due to the fact I can organize my thoughts better out onto paper, however, I prefer writing and being able to edit things. In real life, though, I can't just erase or take things back so rather than using verbal words, I just want to write things for other people to read though I get so embarassed when my family members read my writing out loud. I don't know, I just get... nervous and conscious around them while being worried about being judged in a bad way. Especially with my family members, I will naturally hold back my emotions, even if I want to share.

Normally, I find that people want to hide personal things to strangers but I'm actually open about saying things about myself, especially since I lack people that would listen and make it really clear that they get the reasons about why I do certain stuff. I just worry that I might burden them, they will judge me for it or am not interested in me at all, like with how mom seems to be. Either way, I'm easily frustrated with my family members, if I hadn't emphasized that enough.

THEME SONG:
Perfectionist Complex by Luka Megurine
Interviewer by Luka Megurine
brOkEN by Aido Ishiame
Beautiful by Secrets in Stereo
Irony by Miku Hatsune
Balloon by Miku Hatsune
So Alone by Anna Blue

⚤corpse party / ROLEPLAY REQUEST \

With this rather... comedic image, I do hope that I managed to ensnare your attention. Either way, I'm desperately hoping for a Corpse Party roleplay right now. So far, however, nobody has even bothered messaging me about one... which is a shame, because the series itself is actually quite awesome; nevertheless, though, Piko-chan has only ever seen Corpse Party: Blood Covered, Corpse Party: Book of Shadows, Corpse Party: Tortured Souls, the manga version of Corpse Party: Blood Covered and part of Corpse Party: Hysteric Birthday AU.

Either way, you really don't have to watch videogame walkthroughs if you don't want to; in fact, you can even choose to read CP:BC and CP:BS on lparchive.org... that is, assuming you want to be converted into the fandom. Besides from that, though, it feels as if I'll soon grow gray hairs of my own before the right roleplaying partner comes along, which is why I initiated a new roleplay request once again. Since Corpse Party is such a rare gem to find on the list of fandoms roleplayers are interested in these days, I figured why not?

loading ... loading ... *『 COMMITMENT 』
↳ Quite honestly enough, I really don't expect that much from you; in other words, you may now be able to ditch or leave the roleplay without saying anything and I wouldn't mind. Well, I'll admit that I'd be rather disappointed but then again, I understand the awkward sentiment of expressing through words about why you want to quit. As I'm no good with confrontations myself, I tend to avoid it... and not going to lie, I even dropped out of a few of them on pretty bad terms yet on the other hand, I will try to inform you if I lack the motivation to continue. It's just... that I find it difficult. 

Otherwise, I'll be sending out at least two or more replies in a week but you have to understand that Piko-chan is still in highschool. I can't be roleplaying for almost every second of the day, you know? Having said that, though, please do not spam me too much. I'm sure you don't want this stress pile of mine to increase any more and besides, I won't do that to you. In any rate, it really can't be helped that we have busy lives behind those screens. Plus, I'm also sure that there will be times where you'd rather procrastinate or have time for yourself instead of being pressed to write a  roleplay response for others.

loading ... loading ... *『 LOCATION 』

↳ I know I said I will only roleplay through e-mail on my other request but this time, I will also do so for quizilla as well. With that being said, just know how to cheat the word limit on messages and we'll be fine. A warning, though - my quizilla can malfunction and have technical difficulties from time to time. If that happens, don't blame me. Putting that aside, you may choose contact me over e-mail by either bookworm92@hotmail.ca or futureroleplaying@outlook.com.

loading ... loading ... *『 INTRODUCTION 』

↳ When you message me, I ask that you don't send me a message along these lines: "Hey, you want to roleplay ____?" Its just that... I get them a lot but unless you're running on auto pilot and are a robot, then I might understand; otherwise, don't do it! At least offer me a hello before including your limits, if your OC is finished, whether you want to stick to an AU or canon plot, where you want to roleplay (quizilla or e-mail) and what sort of roleplay (spice, drama, fluff or dark) you want. Is it really that hard? I don't think so. In any rate, having to do some clarifications before roleplaying always gets so boring and tedious.

loading ... loading ... *『 FORMAT 』

↳ Please, for all things good and holy, do not ever use text talk unless there's an actual text message involved in the roleplay! Since I trust that everyone here speaks proper English, I do not want you to be talking like dis jus cuz its wei easayier. Ugh... see what I mean? That was pretty painful for me. In any rate, I don't accept script writing either. Personally, I find it distasteful to the point where it ruins the quality of replies and just makes them that much harder to respond to on account of the halfass-ness. 

With that being said, just stick to paragraphs in third person style. Any other person would only become confusing for me and to prevent myself from possibly forgetting your OC's name, do me a favour and don't write first or second.

loading ... loading ... *『 PUNCTUATION 』
↳ While I'm a grammar nazi, that only refers to when I write; in other words, I wouldn't mind too much if you make an occasional error every now and then as long as it isn't happening most of the time. Quite honestly enough, though, I don't think I'll have a problem if I'm able to understand everything. If you aren't confident with your editorial abilities, however, then I'd advise you to use spell check, as it can be useful.

loading ... loading ... *『 LENGTH 』

↳ For starters, I usually type out three paragraphs for each side but as the roleplay progresses, I could write even more than not; despite this, though, I'm trying not to over do it now. Either way, I will at least be matching whatever you give me, novella length or not. Just be aware that it takes awhile for me to reply to these things. In any rate, however, I think it's pretty much a given that one liners aren't allowed. For one thing, it doesn't give me much to work with and another, how do you expect me to easily put out a reply? All I'm really asking is for you to put actual effort into it, so two paragraphs are what should save you from my goddess-like wrath.

Additionally enough, there's also the matter of fairness. Don't just go writing four miraculous paragraphs for your OC and only one measly paragraph for my love interest - at least put some consideration into your replies! Please don't treat Piko-chan like that when she will always write more for your love interest than for her own OC.

loading ... loading ... *『 CHARACTERS 』

↳ This is just me but I'd rather not roleplay with Mary-Sues or Gary-Sues but those happen to be rare so FFFF. Everybody in the games has suffered a misfortune at one point so your OC can't be the only one who has it good... meaning they can't be invincible or perfect. They can't be granted absolute immunity from the ghosts or from a certain sociopath, either. Make your OC believable for heaven's sake! And also, don't control my character. I don't mind if it's for minor things to progress the roleplay but I get to decide whatever she does, understand?

To make it clear, I play my OC, your love interest and side characters while you play your OC, my love interest and side characters... unless you'd rather have me play an OC for your side. In that case, it will be a bit different. Oh, and try your best to make everybody in character, alright? That means no making Satoshi a brave badass or Kizami a weak, flowery person if there isn't a good explanation for it.

loading ... loading ... *『 LOVE INTERESTS 』

↳ I know this is a touchy subject for some but I'm actually rather flexible with this one. My preferred love interest will be Yuuya Kizami but I wouldn't mind having Kai Shimada, Yoshiki Kishinuma or Tomohiro Ohkawa as my love interest since I know Kizami is considered such a hot bishie to the point where everybody practically wants that babe. If you ask nicely, I'll be sure to give him to you, you know? I'm also fine with love triangles too, should you want one. As it's possible to work things out, there's really no need to be all, "NO! SO AND SO IS MINE SO YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!" If you do that, I honestly will think you're a little crazy.

Either way, I'd prefer if you state what sort of relationship your OC has with their love interest. It doesn't have to be anything too deep but I need to know whether or not they're friends, enemies, rivals or something to have an idea of how to play them around your OC. One word of advice, though. It would be ideal if you didn't assume said love interest likes them back or are already in a relationship together because there's the potential of making them out of character and besides, it wouldn't be fun to have them as a crush if you already know the outcome; then again, if it's in AU plot (Like "Married Life"), then these feelings could definitely be established.

loading ... loading ... *『 LIMITS 』

↳ To get our boundaries straight, I'll just list out all of my limits: NO yaoi, necrophilia, bestiality, extreme pedophilia, fisting and scat. For me, those are either triggering, cringe-worthy, unpleasant or just something I'm not comfortable with doing; in other words, please don't force them down on me. If you have any limits, however, it's really important to let me know beforehand because I might cause some tension at some point in the roleplay, especially since I'm into rather... kinky things. Overall, though, I'm fine with gore, macabre, torture, spice, dark themes and everything else you could possibly think of.

loading ... loading ... *『 MISCELLANEOUS 』
↳ If you're not only here for the roleplay, then I would appreciate having some outside conversations as well; in fact, I enjoying talking with my roleplaying partners about almost anything alongside coming up with potential plots. In any rate, I really don't  bite~ I might have seemed stiff and formal in the rules but I promise that I'm actually pretty friendly if you give me a chance.

’❀. █ | Plot Ideas

blood drive ;;
It basically takes place in the upcoming video game Corpse Party: Blood Drive, where after Ayumi Shinozaki might have used the Book of Shadows like the old man had suggested, everybody in Heavenly Host would have been magically revitalized from death. The question is... what would become of your crush and OC's fate?

pregnancy ;;
Oh no! Said crush has gotten your OC pregnant in a place like Heavenly Host! How would the baby even be taken care of?

reality ;;
After all that terrible Heavenly Host ordeal, everybody wakes up the next day... only to find out that everything they experienced was just a dream. There's no evidence that so and so is a sociopath who kills others or that the class representative has spiritual powers. Then again, it's impossible to not remember the things that took place...

married life au ;;
An AU where none of the Heavenly Host stuff happens and your OC along with their crush gets married after highschool.

school trip au ;;
Imagine that none of the characters had even done the Sachiko Ever After Charm in the first place, By doing so, their class would be able to attend a school trip but our OCs and love interests had gotten lost. At one point, it even started raining and the only means of shelter they came across is a shady looking love hotel.

darkening ;; 
Your love interest may or may not have fallen into a Darkening state. Either way, they are strongly influenced by feelings of lust towards your OC. What in the world would happen?