As I got to know you more, I had never really liked you. It wasn't just that you tended to act all mature while being insistent with your arguments or scolding
which used to always annoy me by the way, but the fact that you were always better than me... whether it be in academics, strength, video games or verbal arguments. Compared to you, you had higher expectations from all your peers while being praised so much but I on the other hand, often exhibited a behavior that annoyed others around me and caused problems for them, though I knew they didn't say it out loud. Quite honestly enough, I eventually had the distinct impression that mom herself was comparing you to me when you continue coming home one day with outstanding marks. While you had As and Bs, however, I needed to try hard just to get Cs, Bs and Ds.
Unlike you, I wasn't good with actual talking; in fact, I preferred organizing my thoughts and words out onto paper because otherwise, I would usually tend to clam up or stammer over my words. As far as I had been concerned, you happened to have no weaknesses at all. Considering how I came to be looked down upon as 'stupid' or 'someone with a disability', I became bitter about the very fact I had been the unfortunate child with autism. More than anything else, I wanted to be the older sibling. Maybe then, things would have turned out differently and maybe then I wouldn't have struggled so much.
With my immature logic at the time, I actually thought I might be smarter, if only I had taken your place. Though I never liked to admit it, you were always my goal - surpassing you in at least something was a feat I gradually dedicated myself into doing before I found writing. The moment I discovered how much I loved it, especially after my Grade 4 or 5 teacher praised me, I was overcome with such pride and joy. Maybe if I kept continuing on with writing, then I might have that chance to feel less inferior to you!
That, however, was a long process, especially upon being constantly discouraged day after day and year after year by a condescending speech therapist
who expected too much from me and grades that were never quite good enough. Even with my mom being overjoyed at times, I honestly wasn't satisfied. I wanted something to brag about! I wanted the distance between us to gradually loom closer, so I wouldn't feel so alone. As the younger sister, I used to always chase after your back. You were really that strong, smart and independent. I wanted to be like that as well, since my own position as a stubborn, emotional crybaby
though now it became a crybaby whenever I'm upset, stressed or frustrated for a long period of time proved to be too much of an inconvenience for me.
All I could say is... how could you do it? Though I try and try, I seem to become much more of a burden, as I always do stuff that causes worrisome problems for other people
SOCIAL WORKERS AND ADDITIONAL HELP RESULTING FROM IT, even if I try to stay out of trouble as much as possible. Since I was disillusioned by your independent nature, I attempted to hold back all my feelings and personal problems while only using writing as an outlet for quite some time. Sure enough, that fired back on me and up until now, I didn't realize that talking to others could have been the number one solution. I always thought you never had many problems, which made me ultimately become determined in suffering alone.
Though I talk to you, I used to struggle with it quite a bit. Then again, I initially relied on my own writing and the computer to ease off my loneliness, since I had never been good with speech in the first place. As long as I had that, I was honestly fine but as I grew older and matured from each mistake, I realized that I couldn't be writing all the time, even if I had ideas to furiously type down.
Either way, it wasn't that I really hated you. Yes, you could blame these emotions of mine or the fact that I inherited our dad's kind and soft hearted nature, but I genuinely felt my heart tighten in an emotionally painful ache while I watched you being punished by mom from something you didn't deserve. Whenever I try to come to your defense or comfort you, though, I noticed that you would always just push me away so I eventually gave up and even remained a little apathetic when you would come home with tears in your eyes one day.
I guess it was because I mostly always ignored my own problems and that after so many burdens became carried on my back, I'm not as nice and considerate as our own dad was
who honestly doesn't have any mean bone in his body when it comes to his family for the most part, to the point where I just find it awfully pathetic for more times than I count, to be honest. Only, don't tell dad I said that, ok? It would be our dirty little secret for now, alright?! >o>
In any rate, I remember dramatically crying at the sidelines when you had that car accident, which only just dislocated your shoulder. While I had been out skipping quickly over to grandma and grandpa's place, you continually called out for me to stop, though I didn't actually expect you to suddenly run across the street without watching out for cars
not like I can talk since there are times where I don't think. At that time, I was overcome with so much guilt, I actually admitted that it had been my fault for once. Even if it was just your shoulder, I had been so worried to the point where I didn't know what to do; instead, I just hurried my ass over to the hospital as quickly as I possibly can in whatever car I drove.
As of now, however, it is really by natural default that I act annoyed by your goofy yet embarassing antics. Sometimes, you were even so ridiculous, I practically acted like the tsundere in the family
if you don't know what that is, then just search it up, especially since I'm gradually becoming tired of this piece of writing and explaining things. Despite this, there are times where you will help out with my homework
though you didn't have to, giving me essential tools alongside parts of your clothes
because I really don't even want to bother buying my own /pajama and gym strip freak here and even entertained me with topics of discussion I randomly come up with whenever I don't have easy access to the internet
as in taking a longer time than necessary to actually do it in the literal sense . Though I really find it difficult to not become the straight man
or woman around you, just know that I really... um, appreciate you, so yeah!
I regret often taking the fact that you are my older sister for granted
almost as much as I regretted not exercising as much as you did whenever we have our living room brawls, OTL /oh the lateness but from now on, I will be genuinely wishing you all the happiness in the world and at least try to own up to my position as the older sister now
even though Chloe happens to annoy the heck out of me. I just figured it out that it's not really kids I hate, 'cause some make me have a cuteness overload inside my heart, but just Chloe. No, let me rephrase that. I strongly dislike her and only became mean because of stress from school and not talking to anyone about my own personal problems. There are just times where they appear to be so annoying even when they're not doing anything in particular towards you on that day; in other words, add in the pent up frustration, forced acts of politeness and letting the urge to call someone a bitch waste away throughout your day and you get one hell of a nasty sister. Unfortunately enough, I do have a rather mean streak, accompanied by a rather pathetic amount of bitterness and grudge holding shenanigans.
... /looking back and reading this after editing it ...Uggggggh... Why did I even write this? I bet you're grinning like an idiot right now. I-I'm telling you to stop that! >A< You shouldn't read this more than once, OK? If you do, I'll become embarrassed! Then again, my English teacher did reccommend I give you this, instead of that story, because it's apparently more meaningful or something. Anyways, this corny Kong-ster is hereby OUT! /scurrying off ... /humiliated
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