It was... always like that from the very beginning. Even now, through those widening eyes, I could see those victims pile right at the contours of my mind and it just destroys me from the inside out, like a knife is cutting way too deep into my chest.
The reason? That girl with the cruel smile... and the blonde pigtails, who was also my sister.
She blamed me for our mother's death, because right after a despair inducing cry, I became released out of her womb and killed the woman in the process. Ever since that day, I was held responsible, but even so, father forgave me. From time to time, he even cherishes me like I'm a treasured entity. Kind, kind father... loving father... father split into half, all because of her!
If only I wasn't born... if only she hadn't interfered, but if only I could have known dear sister hates me with every last fiber of her being, I wouldn't end up here. Those unfeasible lies, saying she would always be there for the little me, became nothing more than just lies in the end.
I couldn't remember when, but it started after bringing a stray kitten home with me. The next day, she appeared before me with tears in her eyes and Sir Sourpuss cradled in her arms, while accusing a group of kids for hurting him. Just when she promised to heal the unconscious kitten with our father's medical supplies back in the study, I had watched the crazy glint in her brightly coloured hue as she forcibly bound me to a chair and killed Sir Sourpuss in front of my eyes.
The more I screamed and cried, the more she cackled with glee. It was so horrible, I longed to burn my eyes out in their sockets, especially upon having witnessed the wide grin spreading across her lips from decapitating Sir Sourpuss's head from his limp body.
"Ahahahahahaha.... finally, I've been wanting to do this... for such a long time now! Can you see? Can you see? Hey, Livi, look! Not so cute anymore right? Just look at this disgusting thing, now that it's deprived of it's own head!"
At that time, I thought my sister was a demon... but even then, it didn't stop there, though we were still considered children. With dad refusing to acknowledge that one of his perfect daughters did such a thing, she always obtained the benefit of the doubt.
No matter which animal or pet I befriended, it would never last... because that sister of mine will always return them broken, bruised or made into stew. It was like she derived pleasure from seeing me like this, with my heart being shattered into a million pieces. Her sick loneliness from our mother's death additionally caused her to run father through one day with a chainsaw all for the sake of making me feel pain, though she clearly had tears in her eyes while doing so.
It was how we really became orphaned, but according to the adults, father's death was only just an accident... nothing of which an innocent, home-schooled girl of twelve could have done. As I grew up, my sister grew tired of physically torturing subjects whom I harbored attachments for. In the case where it was a girl, she made them turn on me and if it was a guy, she would have seduced them to become hers, especially when it involved ones who were potential love interests.
"You don't deserve to be happy... understand? If you're happy, I'll ruin every last ounce of that happiness until you can no longer feel anything else but an insatiable urge to commit suicide." she would say.
Eventually, I just... held back my emotions and feelings, because my chest wouldn't be able to take any more... but after seeing her so happy with that handsome boy, I simply lost control of an innate anger. This sense of love they emanated... it sickened me beyond belief, especially since I could not have whatever joy she must have experienced back then. When I was supposed to deliver their snacks to my sister's room for their studying session, I had carried a knife from behind my waist while carrying a tray of shortbread cookies and juice.
The moment I saw the content expression on her face, it caused me to attack her from behind. Having been thrown into a frenzy, I couldn't focus on anything else but killing her. The scent of her blood intoxicated me, to the point where I could only see red and feel hands trying to pry me off the body I've yearned to choke within my grasp for years.
On that day, I lost a part of myself... the part that was undeniably sane. Right after murdering my sister, I force fed her corpse to this handsome boy, whom I've threatened with acts of violence.
Before then, I was a pacifist but if you were there and saw me, you could have seen the intense animosity I emitted towards the face that still stung and leaked with tears. As far as I had been concerned, it wasn't fair that my sister could have someone cry so earnestly for her... and what's more, love her in such an unconditional manner, despite my recountings of what she did.
In our foster family's house, the village's policemen broke down the door and took me custody. As it turned out, the scared neighbors had all heard the screaming and yelling within the commotion but still told the officers to take caution... and they did so, right after I tired myself out from reiterating my hatred over and over, until I practically destroyed my vocal chords.
Later on during the night, I was supposed to undergo an execution... an execution where all the villagers had to participate in stoning me to death, but as it currently was, I already had enough of those condescending faces and people calling out that I should really just die and go to hell.
You know what I did, though? I killed so many of them, others had even resorted to using guns on me. As luck would have it, one of those bullets grazed my shoulder. During those very last seconds, I ran off into the darkness lit by flickering lanterns. I had bled and hid from policemen and villagers for so long that I thought I could disappear at any second.
Sure enough, I fell unconscious... and I could have sworn something swooped in to carry the back of my collar in it's talons, before soaring through the air with my light body in tow.
Once I had awoken, I became an amnesiac. According to your clan's people, their sacred dragon, Jinryuu, had saved me. It was on top of those mountains where I had been surrounded by such kind and concerned individuals... with one of them being you.
Ever since then, your clan took care of me. For once, I could be as happy as I wanted. In fact, I was so happy, I had convinced myself that I didn't need my memories when I had someone wonderful like to return back to.
But then... those strange people from some far-away village invaded your clan's territory. They even shot your mom, when they refused to hand me over!
Soon, unpleasant images appeared from one after another in my head, and like my execution day, the bullet to my rib cage reminded me so much of what I wanted to forget.
I didn't know how I managed to do so, but I succeeded in running away... before any more people important to me could be killed. Despite this, however, you still chased after me. For my sake, you even used that forbidden technique to incapacitate those vengeful policemen trailing behind us.
"Livi! Wait up!"
You followed me into the forest while I continually shook in grief. With each and every second, I became aware of everything... including my sister, Sir Sourpuss and the hateful side that shouldn't have been me. Every now and then at regular intervals, so much blood loss made it seem as though I was lingering outside of my body; still, my mind functioned properly enough to en-script messages on the ground and barks of trees with the crimson liquid seeping into my nostrils...
'forgive me'
"hurts'
'help'
By the time I grew exhausted and slid my back down against a tree, I saw your panting form run up to me. The me that is reflected within the surface of the lake water as of currently seemed so vivid. I wondered... if I were a butterfly, could I have flew with a big, battered wound?
"Livi!"
At the sound of my name, tears blurred my vision. When you inch closer to me, I couldn't stop myself from gripping tightly on your shirt with bloodstained fingers.
"I-I'm sorry, Levi. I... love you... so much that it hurts."
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